


the border lines we drew between us

by cosmic_llin



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Awkwardness, Canonical Character Death, F/F, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Uneasy Allies, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-26
Updated: 2016-11-26
Packaged: 2018-09-02 09:52:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8662882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cosmic_llin/pseuds/cosmic_llin
Summary: Nerys is struggling to make sense of her conflicting feelings for Senator Cretak.
Normally she'd talk to Jadzia about it, but Jadzia isn't here any more.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [gluecookie](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=gluecookie).



> For gluecookie, in Round 4 of the Trek Rarepair Swap.

Whatever rapport had existed between Colonel Kira and Senator Cretak had died after the Derna incident. Or at least, it was sleeping. At the regular meetings, Nerys kept catching herself wanting to ask Cretak about her week, see how she was settling in, but then she’d remember how they’d stared at each other across the blockade, and something in her would recoil.

Since that incident, the Romulan contingent on the station had been almost meek. There certainly hadn’t been any more trouble – not that Nerys knew about, anyway, and she was staying vigilant. And the Romulans mostly kept to their own offices, bothering nobody. Nerys hardly knew they were there except for when she saw Cretak at the weekly status meeting.

The thing with Cretak – it was like an itch. Not exactly bothersome, but… distracting. Somehow, because they’d bonded over confectionery and uncomfortable chairs, she’d been foolish enough to assume that they’d be honest with each other. And then Cretak had covered a Bajoran moon in weapons.

If Jadzia had been here, they could have talked it over. But she wasn’t. And Nerys liked Ezri, but she wasn’t ready yet to have those kinds of conversations with her.

_I guess I’ve become too trusting_ , Nerys said to the imaginary Jadzia in her head, a few weeks after the Derna situation had been resolved. _I never would have let my guard down so easily a few years ago._

_It isn’t wrong to trust, Nerys,_ Jadzia said. _You’re a different person now. Isn’t your life richer when you let your guard down? You can’t expect everything to go your own way, but you’ll never find out if you don’t even try._

Or maybe Jadzia wouldn’t have said that. Perhaps she’d have said something completely different. There was no way of knowing now, was there? And the Gratitude Festival was coming up, and for the first time in seven years, Nerys would be placing the renewal scrolls alone.

When these thoughts circled around her brain – which was often – she went and practised her springball serve until her legs were wobbly.

* * *

One day, when she arrived for her practice, she found Senator Cretak on the court.

‘Oh,’ she said.

They stood and stared at each other for a few moments.

‘I didn’t know Romulans played springball,’ Nerys said.

‘We don’t. But we have a very similar game that I enjoy, and I thought I’d take advantage of the court here to practice. I can leave…’

‘No,’ Nerys took a ball from her bag and rolled it around in her hand. ‘No, let’s play.’

Cretak’s technique was good, and her bare arms were unexpectedly muscular, but she wasn’t a real match for Nerys. There was something grimly satisfying about watching her sweat, watching her breathless as she struggled to meet the ball. No bluffing needed to get the upper hand here. No superior Romulan might. Nerys watched as Cretak pushed back her hair with one hand, and for a moment she remembered how charmed she’d been by the jumja stick. She liked Romulans better when they weren’t so polished and perfect. And Cretak – breathing hard with her hands on her knees between volleys – certainly didn’t look polished now.

Nerys served again, and won the final point.

‘That famous Bajoran determination,’ Cretak, said, wiping her face with a towel. ‘It does seem to keep beating me.’

‘Determination?’ said Nerys. ‘Nothing to do with it. I’m just a much better player than you.’

Cretak inclined her head. ‘That’s true enough. Always a pleasure to be bested by a superior opponent.’

Nerys drank from her water bottle and said nothing.

‘Please don’t for a moment think,’ said Cretak, ‘that I saw what happened at Derna as a game. I would have taken no pleasure in victory. But I had my orders, and I have to do what’s best for my people, just as you have to do what’s best for yours. If those goals don’t always align, at least they do sometimes. We’re still allies, colonel.’

Nerys looked at her, and the part of her that always recoiled… didn’t.

She nodded. ‘Allies.’

* * *

The next day, she sent the Romulan office their official invitation to the upcoming Gratitude Festival celebrations.

* * *

Relations grew a little more cordial. Nerys stopped biting down her instincts and started talking to Cretak on the way into the weekly meeting. She wouldn’t be fooled again, that was for sure. But they still had to work together.

There was also the fact that the image of Cretak, sweat-slicked in a tank top, kept invading her thoughts. Her smile as she licked her jumja stick. Other, similar pictures.

Jadzia would have noticed by now. She’d have been making oblique remarks about it in Nerys’s ear while they were in Ops. Knowing glances across the table at the meetings. Jadzia – Jadzia who played tongo with Ferengi and sang drinking songs with Klingons – would probably have encouraged Nerys to explore these feelings. She’d probably have wanted to double date or something.

All of which was ridiculous. There was far too much else going on for any of that. And as much as she liked Cretak, Nerys didn’t trust her, and she wouldn’t trust her.

* * *

The Gratitude Festival arrived. Nerys dressed slowly that morning, picturing the noise on the Promenade, the mood of celebration. She wasn’t sure she could stand it, but she always took part in the ceremony, and how could she let everyone down?

If she could just get through her few obligations, she could sneak away. It was only a few hours. Place the renewal scrolls, perform the opening ceremony, and then she could retreat into the darkness of her quarters again. She walked to the Promenade briskly, as if she was afraid that if she slowed down at all, it would end in her slowing to a stop.

She picked up the stack of renewal scrolls, her heart a lead weight in her chest.

‘Um…’ said a timid voice behind her. ‘I can help with that. Only if you want me to.’

On the whole it was difficult not to like Ezri, but for a fraction of a second Nerys hated her. This was something that had been special for her and Jadzia, a tradition they had made together. What right did Ezri have to intrude?

_Give the kid a break_ , said the Jadzia in her head.

Nerys took a few deep, calming breaths.

‘Come on, then,’ she said, tilting her head to beckon Ezri.

‘I know this is weird,’ Ezri offered. ‘But doing this with you meant so much to Jadzia and… I didn’t want you to be by yourself. Pretend I’m not Dax, if that makes it easier. I’m just here for company.’

‘You’re sweet,’ said Nerys. ‘It’s all right. This is your tradition too, kind of.’

They walked quietly for a while, placing the scrolls in the same places they always had. It was kind of nice.

‘I miss her a lot, you know,’ Nerys said.

‘I know it sounds weird,’ said Ezri, ‘but… she kind of misses you too. The part of her that’s inside me misses how things used to be between the two of you. Not that I want us to have the same friendship the two of you did – that’s not realistic, anyway – but I’m learning that this bittersweet feeling comes with a lot of things Jadzia loved.’

‘I think she would have liked you,’ Nerys said.

Ezri shrugged. ‘She liked everyone.’

‘Still.’

Ezri’s mouth was a sad, tight little line.

‘Hey,’ said Nerys. ‘Hang in there, okay? You’re not doing so badly.’

Ezri sighed. ‘I just feel so afraid all the time that I’m doing the wrong thing, or hurting people just by being here, or that I’m not enough, or I should be different… it makes me want to just hide in my quarters and never talk to anybody.’

‘Jadzia would have something to say about that. Something about seizing the moment, not letting your fears stand in your way. Giving life a chance. Giving people a chance.’

‘I’m not Jadzia.’

‘No, and neither am I, but we’re both lucky enough to have her always with us.’

Ezri smiled. ‘I guess you’re right.’

‘Let’s place the rest of these scrolls, huh?’

* * *

The opening ceremony was over. Ezri had gone to meet Captain Sisko. Everyone else seemed to be enjoying the festivities. It was sort of encouraging, how eager everyone was to celebrate in spite of everything. Kids chased each other up and down the promenade – fewer than usual but just as noisy. People smiled, they laughed, they held hands as they threw their scrolls into the flames.

‘So, we write our troubles on the scrolls, and then we throw them in the fire?’ asked Cretak, coming to stand beside Nerys.

‘That’s right,’ Nerys replied. ‘Only trouble is, I’m not sure there’s a scroll big enough…’

Cretak snorted. ‘Is there some sort of rule that you can’t write two?’

In the end one scroll turned out to be enough, but she filled it right to the edges. Beside her, Cretak wrote her own scroll.

‘I didn’t expect you to actually join in,’ said Nerys. ‘Isn’t this all a little superstitious, from the Romulan perspective?’

Cretak shrugged. ‘Perhaps so. But I’m trying to learn, these days, that the Romulan perspective is not always the only one. And honestly… I wouldn’t mind a little divine help with some of my troubles, if there happens to be some available.’

They rolled up their scrolls, and walked together to the nearest brazier. They dropped the scrolls. It felt so small, just a hopeless gesture in the face of everything.

Jadzia would probably have had something to say about that, some pithy bit of wisdom that would have made her smile even if it hadn’t really solved anything.

Cretak just stood quietly by her side, and they watched the scrolls burn.


End file.
